State Of The Union, 2011

Or: I’m sure you think you understood what you thought you heard me say, but I’m not at all certain that what you think you heard and believe that you understand is actually what I said and not at all what I meant.

Senators, Congressional Representatives, distinguished guests, and those of you that are Republicans; let me welcome you to these hallowed chambers tonight for, what I hope, will mark the beginning of the end of the partisan politics that originated under my predecessor and continue even to this day.

Tonight, I would like to present to you, at least part of my vision for the coming year. I can only wish that I had more time to present my whole vision to you, but the First Lady and I have already made dinner reservations for about 48 and a half minutes from now. One of the coolest things about being President is that I can take about 47 of those 48 and one-half minutes to converse with you, and still make my dinner date what with Marine 1 on 24 hour stand-by. I have to tell you… that’s really cool!

Can’t keep the First Lady waiting, now, can we?

So, let’s begin. We are two years into, at least, a four and hopefully an eight, year project. We have begun with baby steps, but there is still much to be done. We are in the middle of an economic slump; there is not enough cash to go around, not enough to pay the bills.

Anyone who has listened to me knows that I will not—repeat; WILL NOT—ever endorse a tax hike on those of you who work hard for a living; those of you who have not yet made enough to be considered rich.

But you also know, that I think there comes a point when, well, to be blunt, when I think you have made enough money, when your income is sufficient enough to support a higher tax bracket, and thus assist us in providing for the underprivileged and those less fortunate that walk amongst us each and every day.

Now, I know that sometimes, it is hard for people that are scared or confused, or misinformed to know where that point of “making enough money” is. That’s what we’re here for. We can help you realize when “enough is enough”.

Corporate greed, embodied so well by my predecessor’s second-in-command, has run amok. You executives that make hundreds of thousands of dollars, or millions of dollars a year while your employees make minimum wage should be ashamed of yourselves. Sometimes, even after a date and a concert and some hoops and desert, I can’t sleep at night knowing that some people in this country go to bed hungry while others, because of their station, because of their position, because of their wealth, because of their greed, don’t know what it’s like to ever miss a gourmet meal. I ask you, is this fair?

Do you think that’s what the Founding Fathers meant when in the Articles of Confederation they guaranteed that the Federal Government would grant us those inalienable rights of life, liberty and happiness?

No they didn’t. And I am standing here before you tonight to help us gain some insight into their vision; to help get this country back on track and heading in the right direction, and bring a little slice of that happiness pie to all the people in this country and the world we live in.

We are a wasteful country. We consume more—and throw away more—than any other country in the world. We have major polluters, industries, that are contributing more than their fair share of carbon dioxide and other greenhouse gases to the atmosphere and significantly adding to the problem of global climate change.

Our coal mining, and oil drilling industries are the primary culprits of these crimes and I am authorizing my EPA Director, Ms. Lisa Jackson, and her agents to begin levying and collecting heavy fines on those industries to force them to clean up their act and to comply with the UN recommendations on carbon footprints for developed countries.

Monies collected over the next several years will go to the Chevy Volt plant in Kansas to help finance doubling the amount of production this year, and next year. I look forward to the day when every car on our streets is electric and not the old, antiquated fossil-fuel guzzler of today.

We have a long way to go. We have infrastructure to build and community planning to do to make our streets ready and friendlier for these innovative, viable vehicles.

I know my critics will trot out all their nay-saying, silly arguments about costs and deficits and they’ll throw their neanderthal experts up on some of what passes for news stations in this country and they’ll try to convince you that global climate change is not real and has no merit. But, I’m here to tell you that the climate does change every day and from city to city and country to country. Look for yourself and you can see. You don’t need experts to tell you that. Snow, heat, rain, they’re all part of global climate change.

Now, first and foremost on the minds of most Americans though, is jobs. We need jobs. But more than that, we need a centralized repository—sorry, that’s just a big word that means storage facility, like a warehouse—a central database that houses jobs waiting to be filled and those looking to fill them.

We’ve been working on this like crazy people, up late, behind the scenes and in long meetings with select business experts. We talked to union leaders, environmentalists, government agency directors and a couple of unemployed people. From those discussions, we’ve come up with a few ideas.

Starting tomorrow, on our website,, we will begin making a netID card available. $5.00 will get you a card that stores all of your information: medical, insurance, social security, thumbprint and an ongoing synopsis of your current status in life. You will simply put the number on your card into a form, and our database will do the rest, matching you with the perfect opportunities for you.

If we could get 100% participation in this program, we could raise 1.5 billion dollars to throw at education in this country. Just think of what we could do to our kids, in terms of education that is, if we had an additional 1 billion dollars for teacher salaries and institution facilities. I’m excited just for the potential and I think you should be too as this program begins to roll out.

In addition, I am prepared to do everything in my administration’s power to increase jobs in this country.

Starting tomorrow, any of you who wish to work on some of our shovel ready projects can log onto, get your netID card, and begin your free training toward a better career.

In two years, by benefit of your education, you will be better prepared to find a job in our economy that should be in full swing again by then. All at no expense to you.

I see my time is running short, so let me close by saying this. I have visited every single one of the 57 states and I sense everywhere the seeds of hope and change that we planted a couple of years ago starting to bear fruit. Trust me, and my administration when we tell you we are on the verge of reaping the harvest of those once dormant, now germinating seeds. The harvest is upon us.

Thank you, and good night. No questions tonight folks. Can’t keep the First Lady in waiting, now, can we?