Biden’s Inauguration Speech Shortest in History
Madame Speakeasy, honored Chinese and Ukrainian guests, and my fellow Aneurysms.
First, let me say how honored I am to be reelected as your senior senator from Delaware.
There are some thank yous necessary. I’d like to personally thank all the machines that voted for me. Couldn’t have done it without you, so thank you. And the stiffs. Oh, staff. My staff. Thank you.
Campaigning is hard work. You need a highly competent support system in place to reach the finish line. We wouldn’t be here today without my wife. Where’s my wife? Jill? Do the wave, honey, so I can see you with all these damn people in the audience. It’s like being at a baseball game and trying to figure out how to get back to your seat after a trip to the bathroom. Or is that back to the bathroom after finding your seat…? Well, anyway, maybe later this year on the baseball game, huh?
There she is. Doctor Jill Biden. She makes me call her that, you know. No, I’m serious. Stop laughing. I mean it. I’m trying to say thank you. Thank you, Dr. Jill. Did I tell you she’s my wife?
Now to the business of the evening. I have three points that I want to convey tonight. We’ll start with number two, for the sake of conspiracy: I’m not dead yet.
Third, we won. We are the ones who’ve been waiting for us. No malarkey. We’re in a situation where we have put together, and you guys did it for our administration…President Obama’s administration before this, — and now, the Harris-Biden administration — we have put together, I think, the most extensive and inclusive voter fraud organization in the history of American politics.
Sorry. We seem to be having a few technical difficulties. Trump’s fault. Can somebody scroll up the damn teleprompter so I can finish the fucking speech, please? Complete and total incompetence. C’mon man! Gonna put y’all back in chains.
Well, son-of-a-bitch! They did it.
So, in closing, Covid-19. Wear your mask. Hell, just to be safe, wear two, like me. And get your Vaseline. Um… vaccine. And, I wanna… I wanna see… I’d like to say something else, but you know, sometimes it’s what you don’t say that is… that is… you know, the thing.
Thank you, and good night.